Book Reviews:
Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse
The Catechism observes that God’s original plan for marriage has been ‘seriously disturbed’ by sin. As a result, man and woman’s ‘mutual attraction, the Creator’s own gift, changed into a relationship of domination and lust’. In Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse, Jenny duBay compassionately discusses the true nature of marriage while providing resources and hope for those who aren’t experiencing authentic companionship in their relationships. Drawing from the Catechism, the Theology of the Body, and various other trusted Catholic resources, Jenny opens the way to genuine healing for those seeking freedom from abusive relationships.
– Christopher West, Th.D., best-selling author, popular podcaster, and President, Theology of the Body Institute
Jenny duBay has created a tender wake-up call for wounded wives in abusive marriages. She brilliantly blends Holy scripture and church teachings with the truth around abuse in marriage. Her candid psychoeducation is balanced with gentle, directed encouragement toward spiritual truths that wives need to understand because so often misinformed church leaders and culture are teaching the opposite. She doesn’t skirt around the toughest of issues – sexual violence in marriage. Jenny’s heart for women to find their assertive spirit through Jesus and find empowerment to make choices based on safety is very clear. I highly recommend this book to any Catholic woman who is struggling to make sense of a confusing marriage.
– Bonny Logsdon Burns, Certified Partner Coach through the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists and co-host of Hope for Wives podcast.
Jenny duBay has written a marvelous book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among the Thorns, that covers the topic of intimate partner abuse thoroughly and sensitively. As a survivor herself, she understands its deceitful trap, its traumatic impact as well as the courageous steps necessary to escape it. Significantly, her book addresses the problem from the point of view of the Christian faith. Jenny duBay plumbs the meaning of scripture and helps victims and survivors connect their faith with the evil they have experienced. She emphasizes the need for spiritual healing and guides the wounded along pathways to a new and regenerated life. Her book should be required reading for all parish ministers.
– Fr. Charles W. Dahm, O.P., Director of Archdiocese of Chicago Domestic Violence Outreach
There’s so much I could praise about this book! Although the subject matter is not something everyone is comfortable talking about openly, it is time to bring this out in the open. I keep re-reading various chapters. Jenny DuBay describes with such clarity the topic of abuse that can happen in a Catholic marriage, and provides authentic Catholic responses- quoting from the Catechism and Canon Law. If something seems ‘off’ in your marriage, you may be in that ‘cycle of abuse’ but are unsure of where to turn. Read this book and see if anything resonates for you. I wish and pray that more priests and religious would read this important work. This is a compassionate and comprehensive presentation of this topic.
– Doodle Mom
This book will help one recognize abuse in a Catholic marriage and how to heal from it. It is true to Catholic teaching, hopeful and practical. Wondering if a person who abuses can change? Read the book for honest insights. An excellent resource for family and friends who want to help when they wonder if their loved one is suffering from abuse. Exceptional educational guide for clergy and pastoral staff.
– Kat
Jenny duBay nails it! She captures the essence of the abuse experience more clearly than any other author I have ever read! I wish she wrote this book in the ‘70’s!!!! I have shared this book, and will continue to share it, with many folks who cross my path who are in need of help and hope. I would love for her to be my inner healing coach since God isn’t done with me yet!
– Ann Datte
Jenny duBay offers just the courage cocktail needed by any Catholic feeling erroneously obligated to stay in a marriage devoid of respect, dignity, mutuality, and love: a clear explanation of church teachings on what makes a sacramental marriage valid, as derived from the catechism, USCCB official documents, and materials from well-established Catholic organizations and ministries advocating for spiritually healthy families; trauma-informed definitions of abuse that run counter to popular misconceptions; science explaining the physiological and psychological reasons victims stay trapped in unhealthy intimate relationships; as well as scripture and texts by holy men and women to help the confused and harmed feel deserving of God’s unconditional love.
Because she is not only an accredited trauma counselor, but also a faithful Catholic who survived and thrived after a toxic union, DuBay’s advice is as gentle and empathetic as it is plain-talking. She provides excellent resources aimed at self-education, including lists and self-assessment quizzes to identify lesser-known patterns of psychological and emotional abuse, such as threats of self-harm, name-calling and insults, belittling, coercive sex, use of pornography, spousal neglect, intimidation with tone of voice or looks, gaslighting, and lying. She gives clear guidelines for when a safety plan is needed and even includes a chapter about the possibility of true reform by an abuser. But I most appreciated the appendix of prayers, including one written by her adult daughter, which will bring both tears of empathy and hope for any parent whose children have yet to recognize and heal from being raised in an abusive household.
Finally, I agree with the call of both the author and book endorsers that this volume should be required reading for not only individuals living in confusing marriages, but also all priests, family life ministers, marriage preparation leaders, and spiritual counselors of all types. When the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention statistics show that at least one in four women has been either hit, sexually assaulted, or stalked by a spouse or partner, it is not unlikely that many of what appear to be “good Catholic marriages” are in fact not. As stated in the book’s foreword by Fr. Charles W. Dahm, O.P., Director Archdiocese of Chicago Domestic Violence Outreach, all people of faith are obligated “to get the message out.... We have to help [victims] understand they don’t deserve abuse; they don’t have to tolerate abuse, and they don’t have to feel guilty about suffering abuse.”
– DRJK
In ministry, we encounter women daily who are living in marriages characterized by manipulation, blame, coercion, denial and other forms of violence – emotional and spiritual as well as physical or sexual violence. These abusive experiences are a profound violation of our human dignity! Intimate partner violence leaves women feeling confused, alone, filled with despair and even suicidal. We are grateful to Jenny duBay for writing this book. With a solidly Catholic voice, Jenny addresses the oft-underemphasized reality of domestic violence and spousal abuse within Catholic marriages. The truth, clarity and practical advice contained in this book make it an invaluable resource for those enduring such trauma, and for those of us walking alongside of God’s wounded daughters.
– De Yarrison, CPCC, foundress of You Are Made New Ministry and Laura Ercolino, foundress of Hope’s Garden